Only Human: Part I, Section 3 of 10  

Only Human

An ST:TNG Alternate Universe Novel by Alara Rogers

ONLY HUMAN is a work in progress, and it's very, very long.  I
have broken Part I (I think there will be six parts, total) into
10 subsections for ease of posting, and ease of other people
reading; Part I is over 300 K, so I've broken it into sections of
between 10 and 60 K so no one's newsreader vomits. These sections
are done with some eye to logical breaking points, such as major
scene changes, but the story was not originally written with the
need for breaking points in mind. The separate subsections do not
have individual titles; the chapter name for Part I, total, is
"Starbase 56/Enterprise".

This is, as yet, something of a draft-- if I find it necessary to
revise based on what happens in parts IV-VI, or however many I end
up writing, I will do so. The most recent version is available
from various archive sites. Check out:

ftp://ftp.netcom.com/pub/al/aleph/trek
ftp://ftp.europa.com/outgoing/mercutio/alt.fan.q
ftp://aviary.share.net/pub/startrek/incomplete (though maybe I will move
it from incomplete, if I can figure out whether it belongs in TNG or other)

http://www.europa.com/~mercutio/Q.html
http://aviary.share.net/~alara
http://www1.mhv.net/~alara/ohtree.html

ONLY HUMAN is an Aleph Press production, not-for-profit, and not
intended to infringe on anybody's copyrights.  The universe, the
Enterprise crew, and the main character were created by
Paramount; most of the secondary characters were created by me,
with the exception of yet more Paramount characters and some
other people who know who they are. Any resemblance to real
people, living or dead, is probably intentional. Send comments,
criticism, praise and flames to aleph@netcom.com. Or post your
comments here-- I have a very thick skin.


       *                     *                      *
     When they'd first made the decision, he had been shocked,
horrified, disbelieving. Not in the sense that he believed they
were lying, or that it wasn't going to happen; he was still part
of them at that time. He knew they meant it. But he couldn't
understand how they could do such a thing to him. Condemnation to
mortality was nothing but a sentence to a slow and agonizing
death. What had he done to deserve this? Had he been human
already, he would have pleaded with them, begged, demanded to
know why. At the time, though, he was still Q, and knew better.
He accepted the decision numbly, unquestioning, knowing there was
nothing he could do to alter his fate. 
     They asked him to choose what species of mortal he would be,
and where in the physical universe he wanted to be. He had only a
fraction of a second to decide, but for a Q that was long enough
to consider several options. Briefly he toyed with becoming a
non-sentient animal. Without sentience, he wouldn't be able to
hold to his memories long; he would become that animal, and
forget he had ever been anything better. But he didn't *want* to
forget, and besides, without that animal's instinctive knowledge
he'd be dead very shortly. He needed a sentient race that would
accept him, that would teach him how to be one of them. It had to
be one he had a great deal of personal experience with, because
no mortal brain could retain the memories of omniscience; he
wouldn't remember what he'd known through the totality of the Q
Continuum, only what he had personal knowledge of, and little
enough of that. Unfortunately most of the sentient races that he
knew personally knew him personally-- he wouldn't survive long
among them. Humans were one of his current pet projects, and he
believed he could talk Picard into protecting and guiding him,
despite the unpleasantnesses he'd inflicted on the man. So he'd
asked to be human, and to be sent to the bridge of the
Enterprise.
     By vast coincidence, or perhaps someone's idea of an evil
practical joke, he had shown up during the middle of a crisis
that the mortals aboard Enterprise had no explanation for. A moon
was falling out of orbit, to crash on an inhabited world, and
Picard was convinced Q was the cause. It took hours, and a great
deal of humiliation, to convince the Enterprise crew that he was
as powerless as he claimed, and had nothing to do with the moon's
fall.
     Around that time, one of the races he'd expected to come
after him had shown up. The Calamarain were an energy-based
lifeform, very sophisticated as lower creatures went. They had
the power to determine what had happened to him and to track him
down (or had someone helped them with that? Q had enemies within
the Continuum as well). Twice they assaulted him, despite the
Enterprise's attempt to protect him. Q had not truly thought out
the implications of mortality before. Certainly he'd known that
he could now die, but he hadn't really understood it until the
Calamarain's ionized tachyon plasma field first started draining
his life.
     By that time, he had been thrown in a brig, experienced the
terror of falling asleep and the pain of hunger, not to mention
being tormented by an old enemy aboard the Enterprise itself. He
had been humiliated numerous times, forced to perform menial
tasks, and realized how much more unpleasant mortals' dislike of
him was when he was on their level. The second time the
Calamarain attacked, the android Data had saved Q at risk to his
own life, and Q had started to feel ashamed. After all, his own
people, who knew him completely, had thought him worthy only of
mortality and death. He was not happy, nor making anyone else
happy, nor serving any purpose with his continued existence at
all. He was terrified of everything, and miserable, and lonely,
and he couldn't imagine bearing this state of affairs for any
length of time.
     To make matters worse, the Calamarain were inevitably going
to destroy the Enterprise to get to him. The Enterprise would be
able to hold up against them if it abandoned Bre'el IV to its
fate and fought, and it would be safe from the Calamarain if
Picard tossed Q out the airlock, but Picard would do neither.
Picard was incapable of making such ruthless choices, Q thought.
He would try desperately to save both Q and the planet, and doom
both and his ship as well. And Q could no longer allow that to
happen.
     So he'd stolen a shuttlecraft and gone out to meet the
Calamarain, taking the decision out of Picard's hands. He had
been utterly terrified, of course. He was miserably unhappy as a
human, but even still he didn't really want to face death, and
more importantly, he didn't want to face pain. The execution
method the Calamarain would use would give neither a quick death
nor a painless one. But he couldn't see the sense in seeing
people who wanted to live, people who had gone out of their way
to protect him, die so he could prolong an existence he hated.
     As the shuttle headed outward, a transmission came in from
the Enterprise-- Picard. "Shuttle occupant, identify yourself."
     He turned on the comlink. "Don't try to talk me out of it,
Jean-Luc."
     "Return to the ship immediately!"
     Q almost wanted to laugh. Did Picard think he would do it
just because Picard told him to? "I just can't get used to
following orders."
     Behind Picard, on the viewscreen, he saw Worf, saying, "The
plasma cloud is moving toward the shuttlecraft."
     Well, of course it was. Didn't they understand what he was
doing here? "It's *easier* this way," he told them. "They won't
bother you after I'm gone."
     Next to Picard, Riker said, "Engineering, prepare to extend
shields," and Q felt a spike of genuine anger, as well as a bit
of surprising gratitude. Riker was more ruthless, more adaptable
than Picard, and had somewhat more reason to dislike Q-- and he
couldn't make the necessary choice either? Couldn't any of them
see that this was the only way? "Please, don't fall back on your
tired clich‚ of charging to the rescue just in the nick of time,"
he snapped. If their compassion drove them to such stupidity,
perhaps he could bring them to their senses by making them think
this *was* the compassionate thing to do. "I don't *want* to be
rescued. My life as a human being has been a dismal failure.
Perhaps my death will have a little dignity."
     "Q, there is no dignity in this suicide!" Picard shouted.
     Q experienced a sensation he didn't understand-- a
tightening of the throat, a pain in his chest. Picard didn't
understand. After all this, Picard still didn't understand. "Yes,
I suppose you're right," he said, bitter self-pity welling up.
"Death of a coward then, so be it. But as a human-- I would have
died of boredom."
     He cut the transmission and ignored the Enterprise's
attempts to re-establish contact. Despite his experience at
observing mortal death, he had never thought about it from this
end before-- he wondered if the experience would seem very
different, now that it was actually happening to *him.*
     Then he felt a faint, inexplicable dizziness, and saw the
walls of the shuttle bay around him instead of stars. He had been
transported back into the Enterprise.
     The controls were frozen. Nothing responded. Furiously, Q
stormed out of the shuttlecraft, out of the bay, and ran directly
into Picard, Worf, Troi and Riker. Before they could say
anything, he laid into them. "How *dare* you interfere like
this?" he demanded. "I told you I didn't want to be rescued.
There was only one way my human existence could have had a point,
and you just deprived me of that! What gives you the right to
dictate my life?"
     "You mean, what gives us the right to transport you
somewhere against your will, demand that you obey us or punish
you with unpleasant consequences, and interfere with your right
to do as you wish?" Picard asked.
     "Exactly," Q snapped, and then realized the trap he'd just
fallen into. 
     Picard merely looked at him. Q glared at the four of them--
everyone except for Picard seemed to be wearing a smug smirk.
"This is unfair and hypocritical, Picard. You're the one that
kept telling me that the power to do something is no excuse for
doing it."
     "And so it isn't. Protestations that we are being unfair are
a bit hollow, however, coming from you."
     "After all, Q, fairness is such a human concept," Riker
said. "Think imaginatively."
     Q ignored Riker's dig. "You don't understand! You're so
marvelously compassionate, Picard. So full of respect for all
life, even mine. Weren't you going to say something like that?
Well, if you don't make some hard choices and sacrifice
*someone*, you're going to destroy everyone. You can't protect
your precious Bre'el IV, your ship, and me at the same time. And
it makes far more sense to sacrifice me than a ship or a planet.
Even you must be able to see that."
     "Much as I dislike agreeing with him, sir, he has a point,"
Worf said. "We cannot fight off attacks by the Calamarain and
save Bre'el IV."
     "You see? I knew if I argued that I ought to die, Worf, at
least, would be on my side."
     "Perhaps you're right," Picard said. "Perhaps it will become
necessary to sacrifice you. If so, I'll keep in mind that you've
volunteered." He looked as if he couldn't quite believe it. "But
we have not yet exhausted all the possibilities. Until then, I
cannot simply allow you to destroy yourself--"
     "Then you're a fool!"
     At that point Picard's badge bleeped. "Bridge to Picard."
     "Picard here."
     "Sir, the Calamarain has vanished. In a bright flash of
light."
     All eyes turned on Q. "So you have no powers," Picard said
softly. "You can't stop the fall of the moon. You are forced to
nobly sacrifice yourself for the good of the ship." His voice
harshened. "I almost believed you."
     "What do you mean, 'almost'? It's true!"
     "What did you do with the Calamarain, Q?" Riker demanded.
     "I didn't do anything! You think I did that?"
     "In our experience, things rarely disappear in a bright
flash of light unless you are somehow involved," Picard said.
     "I didn't *do* it! Look, if this *was* a charade-- and I
don't know why you insist on believing it is; I assure you if I
had my powers I would *never* humiliate myself so consistently
and so long for the sake of a mere game-- but if it was, why
would I wreck everything by displaying my powers so openly? If I
*had* had my powers, and I wanted the Calamarain to leave, I'd
have banished it more subtly than *that*."
     "You aren't known for your subtlety, Q," Riker said.
     "I'm not known for keeping up an act this long, either," Q
snapped. "You believe I'd go to all this trouble and then make
the Calamarain vanish in front of you? Credit me with at least as
much intelligence as you yourself have!"
     "Captain," Troi began, "I believe he's telling--"
     "Now, folks, let's try not to be closed-minded here," a
voice behind him said, interrupting Troi.
     Q whipped around. The being that stood 3 meters away, next
to the bulkhead, was wearing an unfamiliar form, a blond man
dressed in the same disgusting gray and green jumpsuit Q himself
had been forced to wear. But Q recognized him immediately. "Q!"
he cried, hopefully. Did this mean the Continuum had
reconsidered? "What are you doing here?"
     Picard glanced at them both. "This is-- one of your race,
Q?"
     "Guilty as charged," the other Q said to Picard, and turned
back to Q. "I've been keeping track of you."
     "I always thought you were in my corner."
     The other Q shook his head, laughing. "No, no. Actually, I
was the one that got you kicked out."
     As Q's eyes widened in shock, Picard said, "Am I to take it
that you are responsible for the disappearance of the
Calamarain?"
     "Of course I was. You really should have guessed it was one
of us, Captain-- Q may be dumb, but like he pointed out, he's not
*that* dumb." 
     "And are you also responsible for the fall of the Bre'el
satellite?" Picard's voice was ice cold.
     "Don't be silly. What do you take me for? Him?" The other
Q's voice sharpened as he turned to Q. "You know you're
incorrigible, Q, you're a lost cause, I can't go to a *single*
solar system--" He gestured with his hands, appeared to notice he
was doing so, and trailed off slightly, distracted by the study
of his hands. "--without having to... apologize... for you..." He
dropped his hands and glared at Q. "And I'm tired of it!"
     "*I* wasn't the one who managed to misplace the entire
Deltivid asteroid belt." 
     "Hey! This isn't about me. I've got better places to be. But
someone had to keep an eye on you, to make sure you didn't cause
trouble... even as a member of this, mmm... limited... species."
     "Well, if *that's* how you feel, why did you send the
Calamarain away?"
     The other Q ignored him and turned to the Enterprise crew.
"I've got to admit you guys are pretty impressive, as lower
species go. I can see what he sees in you. After all the stuff he
did to you, you still went out of your way to keep him safe--
even to the point of risking yourselves. That's amazing. There's
a lot of more advanced species that wouldn't think of it. You
guys are on the right track."
     Troi said, "Q implied that he-- and by extension, all of
you-- believed compassion a weakness."
     "You have to ignore 90% of everything Q says. We always
did."
     "Then he was never sent by the Continuum to test us?" Picard
asked.
     "You haven't answered my question!" Q interrupted. "If you
have such a low opinion of me, why did you save me?"
     "Well. You were about to get yourself killed to save these
humans. Seemed to *me* like a bit of a selfless act."
     "You flatter me. I was merely trying to put a quick end to a
miserable existence."
     "Yeah, I know. Don't try to mislead *me*, Q, you couldn't do
it before and you sure as hell can't do it now." He vanished and
reappeared next to Q, leaning to speak directly in his ear. "You
and I both know," he said softly, "that the Calamarain would have
destroyed the Enterprise to get to you. And that's really why you
did it. Wasn't it?"
     Q's mouth quirked into a smile. He began to hope again. "It
was a teeny bit selfless, wasn't it."
     "There, you see!" The other Q stepped back and threw his
hands in the air. "I couldn't go back to the Continuum and tell
them you committed a selfless act just before the end! If I did,
there'd be questions, there'd be explanations, for *centuries!*"
     Riker said slowly, "You saved his life just so you wouldn't
have to explain to your superiors how he died?"
     "Hey, if you think human bureaucracy is bad, you should have
to sit through a meeting of the Continuum. You were lucky to
escape, believe me. Besides, it wouldn't be *how* he died, it'd
be the fact that I *let* him die after he demonstrated a chance
at redemption." He turned back to Q. "I thought about giving you
back your powers."
     Q's heart lurched. He wouldn't have phrased it that way if
there was any hope. "And?" he asked, trying to sound casual.
     "And no go. The others aren't convinced you've done enough
to deserve it."
     Q swallowed, staring straight ahead. "I see."
     "No, you don't. See, you're a screw-up, Q. You go out to
study some new race and you can't resist the temptation to
interfere with them, to lower yourself to their level. We've
warned you and warned you and you still keep doing it. And you
don't even do it *right*. Any of us could have told you that
making a human a Q wouldn't have taught us diddly-squat about
humans." He jerked a thumb at Riker. "By the time he was really
Q, he wouldn't have anything in common with humanity anymore--
and the species might be extinct by then."
     "I don't understand," Riker said. "Was it a genuine offer or
was he only playing with me?"
     "Well, both," the other Q said. "You'd have been Q, all
right-- the youngest of our infants. It would have been at least
a few thousand years, more like a few hundred thousand, before
you'd have become a full Q, on a par with him and the rest of us.
And it'd be several million years before you'd be considered
mature. This guy here hasn't even gotten that far."
     "It seemed like a good idea at the time," Q said. "If you
all objected so strongly, why didn't anyone stop me then?"
     "We did, after you'd screwed it up. But that's beside the
point. Look. Now you've got me and some of the others interested
in humanity. And we've figured a much better way to understand
them. Rather than make a human a Q, we'll take the opportunity
you gave us, and make a Q a human. After all, you we know. We can
monitor you and observe how you change as you become more human,
and that'll tell us loads more about the human condition than
incepting a human would have. So studying humanity's still your
assignment. You've just got a different perspective now."
     Q stared at his former comrade. "Q, I don't *believe* your
unmitigated arrogance! The complete *gall* of you people! You
throw me out, condemn me to this-- this fragile, feeble
existence-- and you still expect me to *work* for you? To *help*
you?"
     "Of course," the other Q said simply. "No matter how human
you become, you'll always be Q. You'll help us whether you want
to or not. Besides, play your cards right and *maybe* we'll
change our minds about reinstating you. It's up to you."
     "Then-- it's not certain. You still might take me back."
     "That's what I just said, isn't it?"
     "Are you going to leave him here?" Picard asked. 
     "I'll tell you what. You didn't ask for this, after all.
We'll protect him against anything too major for you humans to
handle-- for instance, if the Ayathieri came gunning in person,
you'd be up a creek. Anything like that, we'll take care of. It's
up to you guys whether or not you protect him from lesser
threats, the kind you *can* handle, like our friend the
Calamarain. Or for that matter whether you dump him out the
airlock. We're not going to lift a finger to protect him from
lesser threats-- if you guys want to mistreat him, that's your
business. We won't interfere. Or let him come back to get
revenge, if he does get reinstated. After all, it wouldn't be a
good test of the human condition if he had guardian angels
hovering around, would it?"
     "I suppose not," Picard said. "How can we be certain we can
trust you, though?"
     "See what I have to deal with because of you?" the other Q
demanded of Q. "No one who's met you trusts me."
     "I'm awfully sorry. Would you like me to flagellate myself
into the bargain?" Q asked with bitter sarcasm.
     "Hey, if you want to. I'm sure a whole bunch of us would
enjoy watching." The other Q turned back to Picard. "We aren't
all like this specimen, believe me. Otherwise we wouldn't have
thrown him out." 
     "It would help if we knew a bit more about the Continuum and
its motives in all this. As you've implied, we can hardly trust
Q's word."
     "Well, you can trust it better now." He glanced over at Q.
"You hear me? No more lies about the Continuum. It's making us
look bad."
     He was about to leave. Q swallowed his pride. "Wait. Before
you go?"
     "Yeah?"
     "I wouldn't ordinarily ask, but since you're in the
neighborhood anyway-- and I know it wouldn't be any effort for
you-- and they've lost a lot of time to this little conversation-
-"
     "You want me to fix the moon for them."
     "If you would."
     The other Q scowled. "You *know* we're not supposed to do
stuff like that. If we do, then they get dependent on it, and
they don't solve their own problems--"
     "They've have solved it long ago if we hadn't interfered.
You know that."
     "You mean if *you* hadn't interfered."
     "Well, you let me! That makes it your problem. You didn't
have to send me to the Enterprise in the middle of a crisis, you
know. You could have arranged for me to arrive a few days later.
But no."
     The other Q sighed. "Okay, fine. But don't ask me for
anything else. This is positively the last time, you understand?"
     "Completely."
     "And you asking this isn't winning you any brownie points,
you know."
     "Do you have to be so incredibly suspicious? Read my *mind*,
Q. Am I asking for brownie points? Is that what your omniscience
tells you?"
     "That's what me knowing you tells me." The other Q studied Q
a moment. "You really *are* serious. Maybe there's hope for you
yet."
     "Yeah, well, don't tell the others or my reputation will be
shot."
     The other Q grinned. "All right then. Try and stay out of
trouble?"
     He vanished in a characteristic burst of light as Picard's
badge bleeped again. "Bridge, sir. We have an incoming
transmission from Bre'el IV science station."
     "I'll take it in my ready room in two minutes." He looked at
Q. "It appears-- for the moment-- that we're stuck with you."
     "I wouldn't phrase it *that*--"
     Abruptly he felt a wave of dizziness. He swayed, and his
vision dimmed. Troi caught his elbow. "Q! What's wrong?"
     "I'm... not sure." He leaned against the wall, getting his
equilibrium back. "I feel..."
     "Dizzy?"
     "Yes, exactly. Dizzy. And-- and *hollow*, somehow. Does that
make any sense?"
     "When did you last eat?"
     "I didn't."
     "Counselor, get Q something to eat," Picard said. "You're
assigned to him until Data recovers. Number One, Mr. Worf, report
to the bridge. I'll be headed for my ready room."