NOTE: This is an answer to the Revenge Fic challenge. As put by
Stephen Ratliff, "The idea is a story where the character(s) who
we've put though such trails and tibble-ations come visiting us
(the authors) to get their revenge. Off the to of my head, I can
say that if fictional characters could get revenge on their authors
some Q writers I know better start running. (come to think of it,
I haven't heard from some of them in a while."
SUMMARY: TNG, Q, authors. The character Q decides to take revenge
upon the alt.fan.q authors for the terrible things that have been
done to him.
Letters from a Q Writer in Exile, by Mercutio (mercutio@europa.com)
with many thanks to Ruth Gifford (ereshkgl@cyberg8t.com), who
helped with her part
To: Alara (aleph@netcom.com)
From: Mercutio ([address deleted])
I arranged to have mail sent to my Europa address forwarded to an
anonymous alias. God, I hope no one can trace this.
The flashes of light have stopped since I arrived here. Glenn and
the baby are safely with the in-laws. Even He wouldn't try to get
them there. No one would dare the wrath of my mother-in-law.
Think Lwaxana Troi on steroids. The ax scene from Q-In-Law all
over again, except my mother-in-law doesn't need an ax.
I'm working on a new story; working title: "Q Lives Happily Ever
After". Hope this will solve my problems.
Watch out for those random flashes of light. And shelve "Only
Human"! You finish that and you're in bigger trouble than I am.
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To: Mercutio (mercutio@europa.com)
From: Alara (aleph@netcom.com)
I really hope you're not serious. This has got to be one of the
most bizarre things I've ever heard you come up with. Is there
something wrong with your job?
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To: Alara (aleph@netcom.com)
From: Mercutio ([address deleted])
No, there's nothing wrong with my job. *Puh-leeeease*. Well,
nothing beside the usual. But that's not important right now.
Remember that list I did -- "Top Six Signs You're Being Stalked By
Q"? Apparently He took it *seriously*. I saw clouds overhead with
my name on them. I'm being toyed with, I know it. I don't even
know if running is worth it. Perhaps I should just face up to the
music.
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To: Mercutio (mercutio@europa.com)
From: Alara (aleph@netcom.com)
If you're really sure that Q is after you, I'd keep running. If
not, I'd recommend psychiatric care. Or get your doctor to switch
you from the Trazodone to something that makes you a little less
paranoid.
But if he is... try France. Or sneak onto the space shuttle.
"Truth or Q?"'s scene with Q and Worf is not something I'd let you
live down if I were Q.
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To: Alara (aleph@netcom.com)
From: Mercutio ([address deleted])
You're a lot of help. Besides, it's not "Truth or Q?" that I'm
worried about. Not mostly. Okay, so Worf does get to rape him,
but still. Think of "Speculum" if you really want scary. Or
"PropinQuity".
I'm hiding out in the basement of a library. No idea how long I'm
going to be able to keep this up, but at least there's something to
read here. Being on the run sucks. Why can't characters go after
some other author? Like Stephen Ratliff. Or Macedon? Scratch
that. I can just see Chakotay and Macedon ruling the Voyager with
an iron fist. Delta Quadrant beware.
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To: Mercutio (mercutio@europa.com)
From: Alara (aleph@netcom.com)
What's wrong with PropinQuity? Besides Q having a kid. And
discovering masturbation. And being a virgin. And falling in love
with toasters. And being mindraped by the Dilkinen. And
hel
[message ends mid-word]
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To: Alara (aleph@netcom.com)
From: Mercutio ([address deleted])
Hello? Hello? Are you there? I got your incomplete note, but I
didn't get a follow-up with the rest of the message.
I called your mother and she said she hadn't heard from you since
Tuesday. Are you okay?
Here's a section from my story. I think I'm going to call it "Q's
Big Adventure".
Q lolled comfortably on the large pillows set on the dias
above the floor.
Groveling on the ground below him were various members of
Starfleet. Picard, dressed in a Grecian toga, held a
plate of peeled grapes up to Q, while Troi plucked at a
lyre and Beverly Crusher sang. Janeway was painting his
toenails as Riker cleaned the inlaid tiles of the floor
with his tongue.
All was well and good with life. After lunch, he might
stroll in his gardens, or perhaps review the remains of
the conquered Q Continuum. Whichever.
What do you think? Over the top? Not enough? If you get this, I
really need some help here. I can't stay on the run forever. I
think the library books have been giving me strange looks lately.
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To: Mercutio (mercutio@europa.com)
From: Ruth Gifford (ereshkgl@cyberg8t.com)
Hi there!
I have a message for you from Alara. It was actually addressed to
the Alt.Fan.Q writers as a whole, but there's a postscript on it in
black magic marker that says "Make Sure Mercutio Gets This". It
was hand-delivered by a Tibetan goat-herder. Anyway, here it is.
Dear Fellow AFQ Authors:
I regret that I will be unable to be with you for a short
time, as I am presently engaged in writing the remainder
of "Only Human". My tower room is airy and spacious, and
I have given up thoughts of growing my hair long in order
to escape. I enjoy it here, and find it a congenial
atmosphere for writing. The end to "Familiar Strangers"
will posted soon, along with the revised first part,
wherein I reveal that my insinuations about Q being made
into a female prostitute were a vicious lie.
I recant all of my previous views on hurt/comfort, and
hope that my fingernails will soon grow back.
Fortunately, the hot coals seem to have cauterized the
wounds, thus preventing bleeding which would have made it
more difficult to type.
Q is good. Q is all-powerful. You will be assimilated.
-- Alara Rogers, Aleph Press
aleph@netcom.com
All Aleph Press stories are being rewritten to reflect
the views of the Establishment.
By the way, are you working on anything new? Atara and I are about
to post our story, "A Sort of Homecoming", where Q and Picard
settle down on a farm in France and raise grapes and children.
Seems safer, if you know what I mean. Not only that, but I decided
that the bdsm stuff was too dicey, so I'm sure Alara will happier
with me.
Come in out of the cold, Merc; we miss you. You're the only one
still running. It's not that bad. Believe me.
Well, we're hosting another square dance Friday night. Hope you
can be there! It's lots of fun!
Ruth
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To: Ruth Gifford (ereshkgl@cyberg8t.com)
From: Mercutio ([address deleted]))
Everyone? He got everyone? What happened?
I may be unable to reply for a few days. I'm positive that the
books were talking to me. Must find shelter. Must write new
story. Must escape.
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To: Varoneeka (Varoneeka@aol.com)
From: Ruth Gifford (ereshkgl@cyberg8t.com)
Hey Slasher Chick!
It was so nice of you to come out to the square dancing festival.
Atara and I enjoyed having you here, and reading your new story,
"The Property of a Q". We'd be delighted to come out to your villa
on Maui next weekend. Lucky you -- now I wish I'd written nothing
but uplifting smut about Q. Can you believe it? The TrekSmutrix
didn't write enough smut.
Thanks for the update on Julia. How soon do you think she'll
finish the 10,000,000 titles? Talk about your writer's cramp; *I*
can't even imagine making up that many good Q titles.
You asked about JJ Arrow -- she's been forced to repeat high
school. ::shudder:: The horror, the horror. And she's not
writing anymore; it's sort of sad really. But she shouldn't have
written "Spectrum". And letting Mercutio write "Speculum" was
adding injury to insult.
Speaking of Mercutio, I hear she's in Mexico now. Still trying to
avoid Q. Poor crazy woman, as if anyone can. Did you see her last
post to alt.fan.q? She's completely lost her mind. We all knew it
would happen sometime. I tried to talk her into coming up for the
dancing, but . . . ::sigh::
Ruth
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Newsgroups: alt.fan.q
From: mercutio@europa.com (Mercutio)
Subject: Top Six Things Not to Do While Running From Q
6. Step on cracks. Mother breaks back -- forced into visit to
see her in hospital, and Q captures you easily.
5. Pay attention to television static. Hidden subliminal
messages embedded in signal will brainwash you into
surrendering.
4. Shower. Particles of water could be Q in disguise, attempting
to infilitrate your body.
3. Go outside on sunny days. Clear skies make it easier for Q to
spot you.
2. Talk to humanoid life forms. Any of them could be Q, or spies
for Q. Trust no one.
1. Write more Q stories. Grudge only worsens. No story can save
you -- nothing can save you -- you're doomed! Dooomed!
DOOOOOMED!
---mercutio@europa.com---
"Bwahhahahahaha."
--Mercutio
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-the end-
"Whom God would destroy He first sends mad."
-- James Duport