This total silliness was written in about half an hour on Centre Neptune. I'm not sure what kind of warning to put on it, but the sicker you are, the funnier it is. :)
[None of this is mine]
by Ennien Ashbrook and Lori McDonald
Premise: Joe was captured by Galactor during a routine mission and held for an unidentified amount of time. His teammates, however, manage to rescue him, and this is them trying to figure out what happened, since Joe is being, as usual, uncooperative, and for the sake of this fic, they're all dumb as dirt. :)
Ken - "Joe, what happened to you?!"
Joe - "Um, got captured."
Ken - "No! Were you interrogated?"
Joe - "Um... sort of."
Ken - "Did you give them anything?"
Joe - "Nothing verbal."
Ken - "You blew it, didn't you?? Didn't you????"
Joe - "Uh, sorta..."
Ken - "Did you manage to learn anything about Katse in return?"
Joe - "Well, yeah..."
Ken - "Like what?"
Joe - "Aw man, he is such an inCREDible.."
Ken - "Incredible what? Joe, he's an incredible what?"
Joe - "Uh.. terrorist! Yeah! Man that's guy's a bastard... bitch too..."
Ken - "What was that?"
Joe - "Nothing."
Ken - "Why are you grinning??"
Joe - "No reason."
Jinpei - "ANIKIIIII!!! Joe's been chanting "I know Katse’s secret" an' he won't stoppppppp! Make him stopppppp!!"
Ken - "That's it, tie him down. He's obviously been drugged or something."
Ryu - "Uh, Ken, why does he already have rope burn?"
Ken - "He was a prisoner! Of course they tied up his wrists and ankles."
Ryu - "Uhm, that ain't where I found it, Ken..."
Ken - "uh.......... what?"
Jun - "it looks like he's had leather straps on."
Ken - "Fiends! He must have horrific scars on his wrists!"
Ryu - "That's... .not where the straps seem to have been... and.. he seems awfully PROUD of them."
Ken - "Joe! What did they DO to you!" (hug) "And why do you smell of incense and oil?"
Joe - "Uh.. uh.. Aromatorture, man."
Ken - "Nani?"
Joe - "You heard of aromatherapy, right? Well, Galactor's got aromatorture. That's all I can tell you."
Jun - "Joe, you poor man! We're here for you!"
Jinpei - "Is that whipping cream in your hair, Aniki?"
Joe - "Um... yeah, let's go with that."
Ryu - "Nah, looks more like gel, look it’s dried all stiff."
Joe - "Get away from my hair, Ryu."
Jinpei - "How come your lips are chapped, Aniki? and your face is all dry and peely."
Jun - "What do we do, Ken? Galactor could have done anything to him."
Ken - "I know, I know... We have to get him to talk. Joe, did they... did they compromise your secrets?"
Joe - "Ohhhh god, yes.."
Ken - "NANI??"
Joe - "UH! I mean.. uh.."
Ken - "WHAT DID YOU TELL THEM, JOE! WHAT DID YOU SAY??"
Joe - "Uh........ I DIDN’T TELL THEM NOTHING!"
Ken - "Are you sure?"
Joe - "Pretty sure."
Ken - "Then why was Katse grinning when we saw him on our way to rescue you? Come to think of it, why was he stumbling into walls begging anyone for a cigarette too?"
Joe - "Uh.. uh.. Man's got a major nic-habit, man..."
Jinpei - "Seemed to be kinda weak in the knees too, Aniki."
Joe - "He's... got these little health problems.."
Ken - "Well... that can work in our favour. But why were YOU smoking when we found you?"
Joe - "Shit, you found me out. I'm caught."
Ken - "Nani?? Oh god, what happened. Did he- did he hurt you?"
Joe - "Ohhhhhh god no..."
Jun - "Then what are all these welts across your back?"
Joe - "Uh- I'd rather not say..."
Ken - "Joe! Talk to us! TALK TO US!"
Jun - "Uh, Ken, I think you need to stop shaking him like that. He looks like his brains are about to fall out."
Joe - "...that was too raaaaaad...."
Ken - "Joe?? Joe!"
Jun - "Oh, god, Ken! He's overwhelmed! Poor Joe! Think of the torture he underwent in that horrible room!"
Ryu - "Most satiny room I'VE ever seen... There were even frills on the pillows."
Ken - "How diabolical!"
Joe - "...soft.... silky.... warm...... wet......"
Jun - "JOE! Don't give into it! PLEASE!" (sob)
Ken - "WET???
Joe - Uh! uh uh uh.. water torture!"
Ken - "NO!"
Ryu - "Hey, Jin, what's that?"
Jinpei - "A saddle! Isn't it cool? Found it in a toy box in the torture room. Found a tail too."
Ryu - "Why's it stuck on the end of a cork?"
Jinpei - "I dunno."
Joe - "..was savin' it f'r Ken...."
Ken - "uh... What?"
Joe - "NOTHING!! Was uh.. was uh.. Was a lotta yen!"
Jun - "Oh, Joe... please talk to us. We only want to help, make you feel better..."
Joe - "Want to go back....."
Ken - "JOE! NO! My god, after all you WENT through??"
Joe - "Yeah! Revenge! I'll get the bastard! I'll suck his.... his blood out through a straw! yeah, that's it.."
Jun - "Oh, Joe, you're so brave..."
Jinpei - "Look, Ryu, I found a whip too."
Ryu - "How horrible!"
Jinpei - "Yeah. And lots and lots of whipping cream too...What's this little leather thing with little leather circles coming off of it? Eww, and it’s all sticky too! Gross, I’m not touchin' that.."
Jun - "Think we should send him back, Ken?"
Ken - "I don't know, it's so dangerous...."
Joe - "I 'LL RISK IT! HONEST!"
Ken - "He's been traumatized. Hakase would never forgive us if we allowed our comrade to return to Galactor so soon after being tortured. He needs time to recover."
Joe - "I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm recovered!!"
Ken - "Are you sure? Do you think you could really get something out of Katse?"
Joe - "Ohhhh I know I could..."
Ken - "What sort of information could you get? I need to know if the risk is justified. Joe?"
Joe - "Top Secret Information! Yeah!"
Jun - "I don't know about this..."
Jinpei - "What's this, Ryu?"
Ryu - "Looks like a gerbil to me."
Jinpei - "Cool! Can I keep it? Hey, look! It even comes with its own funnel!"
Jun - "Ugh, Jinpei, do you really want a Galactor gerbil? You don't know where its been"
Jinpei - "Aw, ONEchan! It's only been in its cage."
Ken - "Joe! You’re going red! What's wrong??"
Joe - "I can attest most firmly that the gerbil is only a pet and has only been in its cage and has never been used for any purpose other than gootchy-gooing at. Unlike the gerbil belonging to the guard in Cell Block C."
Ken - "...how do you know this, Joe?"
Jun - "Oh, God, Ken! That's what he was hiding! He was threatened by a gerbil wielding guard!"
All - "GASP!"
Joe - "Yep! That's right! ..fuckin' scared the hell out of me.."
Jun - "Oh, Joe..."
Jinpei - "Hey, if he was gettin' threatened in Cell Block C, why was it we found him in a bedroom up in the nobility sleeping area?"
Ken - "What was that, Jinpei?"
Joe - "Oh, that guard's dead now"
Jinpei - "Still doesn't explain what you were doing in Katse's bedroom."
Joe - "Katse..... takes torture very personally."
Jun - "Oh, god, Joe, and you want to risk undergoing more to finish your mission?? You're so brave!"
Joe - "Yes yes... it’s a tough job but somebody's gotta do it.."
Ken - "You'll get a medal for this, Joe."
Joe - "Yep, yepyepyep... should qualify for Endurance in the next Olympics.."
Jinpei - "Look, Ryu! Glow in the dark balloons! Aw... they're the long ones. I prefer round."
Jun - "Ewwwww, gross! Jinpei, this glow stuff comes off! Throw those out before they get all over the furniture."
Jinpei - "Aw... hey! Cherry flavoured!"
Jun - "Jinpei, get outta that stuff."
Jinpei - "Hey, there's writing on the bag it came in. ‘Guaranteed the only cherry in the room by morning...’ What does that mean?"
Joe - "Means you AINT gettin' sundaes if you don't give 'em here!"
Jinpei - "Ulp, here you go, Joe."
Joe - "ThankeegottagobyeseeyouwishmeluckgodIhopemyballsholdoutforgetisaidthatbye!" (zoom...)
Ken - "There goes a brave, brave man..."
Jun- "............ did he say what I think he said?"
Jinpei - "Um, Onechan, I think I'm afraid to ask..."
Ryu - "I couldn't make out a single word he said. He was talking faster than Katse!"
Ken - "Let's pray for him. For his safe journey and eventual release."
THE END
Return to Lori's Stories
Return to the Archive