an incredibly stupid fanfic
Ennien Ashbrook
"Happy" did not begin to describe Berg Katze's mood.
CRASH!
"Katze-sama.."
THUD!!
"Er.."
SLAM!
"Katze-sama?"
"WHAT???"
In fact, it didn't even come close. "Ballistic" was closer in accuracy, though even that failed to convey the sense of violent frustration emanating from the purple-clad figure storming about the room flinging books, bits of crockery, paperweights, computers and other large, heavy objects thither and yon. The burly man ducked another missile, "Far be it from me to forbid your fits of destruction, Katze-sama, but you do know I feel much better about it when I know why I'm ducking for my life.."
"THEY FUCKED UP AGAIN!"
"Again?" Brace asked politely, "On which project?"
"That ridiculous 'slavering rabid dog' mecha that Sosai X wants!"
"The one he wanted to look like a Pekinese?"
"Yes!"
"And you forbade that.."
"Yes!"
"And told them it had to look more threatening than that.."
"Yes!"
"And they gave you....?"
Katze turned, his face a rictus of fury, "I was thinking of a pitbull, for god's sake! NOT a cocker spaniel!"
Brace goggled for a few moments, "A cocker spaniel?? The 'slavering rabid dog' mecha looks like a cocker spaniel??"
He doubled over with laughter while Katze continued raging, "Somebody explain to me what sort of mind considers a cocker spaniel to be more threatening than a pekinese? This thing is supposed to deliver a payload of rabies bioweapon, it's supposed to be terrifying! FUCK! I wish he'd let me go ahead with my idea, I had this idea for Imperial Walkers, do a sort of 'Empire Strikes Back' thing up in the Arctic.."
"Has he decided how he wants the bioweapon delivered?"
"NO!" Katze was sour and petulant, which contrasted very oddly with the fury, "He wants me to think of something, but he keeps nay-saying my ideas! The stupid thing is covered in fake fur!" he added irrelevantly.
"Oh god," Brace moaned, "And if you shaved it off it'd probably look like a chihuahua.."
"Nani?"
"I said if you.."
"I heard you, I'm thinking.."
Oh no...
Brace closed his eyes and told himself he didn't want to know what was going through his "Little Sister"'s mind now..
Katze had been thinking of pitbulls when Sosai gave orders for the dog mecha, but chihuahuas triggered sarcastic thoughts and ironic memories that appealed to his warped sense of humor. Chihuahuas: Obnoxious little dogs the size of rabbits who thought they were pitbulls and tried to behave like pitbulls, usually resulting in their being punted into a wall. Little monsters who looked like strangling, shaved rats, with bulging eyes and needle sharp teeth with a predilection for fastening themselves to one's Achilles tendon. Horrible little yappers who's piercing excuse for a bark sent hearing aids and mask-amps into squealing wails of agony, until the wearers were hard pressed to decide which was worse, the yapping or the feedback. And those were just healthy chihuahuas! Rabid chihuahuas...
Brace's scalp began to crawl as a slow, menacing grin spread over Katze's face. Rabid chihuahuas.. chihuahuas carrying a rabies bioweapon, unleashed upon a terrified populace in mangy, yapping hordes.. Foaming at the mouth like toothpaste commercials.. Maddened throngs of people rioting, turning on the garrulous little old ladies who generally own the ratty little shits.. Finally, an image of Gatchaman dancing around with a couple of slavering, psychopathic rats attached to his feet rose before Katze's mind's-eye and he burst into maniacal laughter.
Ken's bracelet began to chime and he threw down the wrench he had just picked up, "Owashi no Ken," he acknowledged.
"This is Kozaburo Nambu speaking," the familiar voice said, "Return to base immediately. Galactor has unleashed their.. sorry, bad choice of words.."
"Huh?"
"Look, just get here ASAP for briefing."
"Roger!"
He slammed the Cessna's hood back into place, put away his tool kit and slid into the cockpit. He felt edgy, agitated, yet excited: Much as he hated Galactor, he had to admit he liked being the Eagle. It was fun, having a funky plane, a nifty outfit, lots of interesting weapons and he got a lot of fan mail, too. He still wasn't too sure what to do with all the panties, though...
He brought his arm up in an arc. "Bird Go!" Ooo that was fun! He liked transmuting, it felt neat. The odd electric sensations coruscating over his flesh, the bizarre feeling of his street-clothes writhing and mutating into his birdstyle, the warmth of the energy-discharge.. He did wonder where his helmet came from and went to, but as he suspected Joe's snide theory was rather close to the mark, he had never had the nerve to ask.
The G-1 rose above the clouds and Ken spotted the God Phoenix in the distance. He engaged the thrusters to catch up, then turned his full attention to the difficult task of docking aboard the mothership. Though he had done it about a hundred times before, it was still a dangerous operation, where any little mistake could cost him his life.
It was not his karma to die today, however: G-1 docked smoothly and Ken emerged unscathed onto the bridge, facing his team mates.
"You're the closest one to base, why is it you're always the last one to arrive?" Joe spat.
"Good afternoon, Joe. I'm fine, thanks for asking. Who pissed in your cornflakes this morning?"
"You bastard!"
"Will you two take a pill?? We haven't even started, for heaven's sake!" Ryu turned back to piloting the God Phoenix, plunging her beneath the waves in the direction of the Crescent Coral base.
They were silent for the rest of the journey. Ryu docked the Phoenix in her harbor and waited for the seawater to drain away. Finally, they went to Nambu's office.
Nambu began without preamble, "For the past two months, the UN has been receiving complaints from some dog breeders that their stock was being stolen. Investigations came up with nothing; that is, until today."
"Dogs?" Jinpei asked, "What kind of dogs?"
"The dogs in question are of a breed known as the Chihuahua.
This breed originates in Mexico and is.." he broke off at the groans, "Nani?"
"I hate chihuahuas," Ken declared.
"They bark so loudly.."
"..go after my feet.."
"..as scary as the old baggages who own them!"
"Jinpei! Language!"
"Huh! Little shits make good footballs.."
"Chih-HOO-ah-HOO-ahs"
"..rats on caffeine.."
"EXCUSE ME! Is this a briefing or a dog-disappreciation society??"
Four voices mumbled "Sorry, Hakase." One went "Huh!"
"Now," Nambu continued, rubbing the bridge of his nose, "As I said, for 2 months chihuahuas have been vanishing in vast numbers, for no apparent purpose. Now it appears that it was Galactor who is behind the disappearances."
"I don't understand," Ken interrupted, "What would Galactor want with chihuahuas?"
"Target practice."
"Joe!"
"Sorry.."
"Experimentation is the evident answer," Nambu answered smoothly, "Observe the following satellite footage, taken over Yokohama."
The video showed a giant chihuahua mecha storming the city, panicking the population. Its shivering caused tremors in the earth, shaking buildings apart. The process was aided by a skull-shattering yap, which also appeared to paralyze the nervous system of all who heard it. Finally, it opened its fanged mouth and millions of yapping little beige blots poured out, wave after wave of them, sinking their foaming little jaws into the ankles of the hapless, terrified people.
"My god!" Ken breathed.
"How awful!" Jun wailed.
"Shit!" Jinpei cried.
"Bogus!" Ryu stared.
"Why does it look like somebody shaved a cocker spaniel?" Joe asked.
Nambu switched to another tape, showing people in a hospital ward. They slavered and foamed, struggling against bonds and straitjackets. "The chihuahuas are carrying what appears to be a specially-engineered version of rabies. This version is, of course, communicable to humans, but has a number of differences, not the least of which is an incubation period of only seven hours..." He paused dramatically. The team looked at him expectantly. "It also causes.. well, listen."
He turned up the volume and the room was filled with the sounds of hundreds of people yapping at the tops of their lungs. The camera zoomed in on the pathetic victims -- bug-eyed, shivering, snapping at the ankles and wrists of any who came near, their hair falling out in clumps.
"That bastard Berg Katze!" Joe cried, slamming his fist into the wall. The team was in an uproar of consternation and dismay.
"Hakase! We have to stop this plague right away! Where was the chihuahua mecha last seen?"
"It was last seen heading towards Hokkaido," Nambu replied, turning the video to a satellite photo of the giant chihuahua in flight, propelled by turbo engines beneath its tail. The team stared at it for an instant.
"That's disgusting!"
"Y'know, that bastard has a sick sense of humor.."
"Stop commenting and clear out!"
"ROGER!" they chorused, and ran out of the room.
On board the "Chihuahibachi", Berg Katze gloated. He sat on his chair on the command platform, his feet tucked up underneath him, contentedly surveying the hordes of raging little dogs kept at bay by an electric fence. It was terribly entertaining, for not only were the little monsters vicious, they were stupid as all get out and kept electrocuting themselves in their attempts to attack the bridge. He shut off his monitor, having delivered his demands to that whiny cellulite-case, Anderson -- surrender to Galactor and we will deliver the cure. For there was indeed a cure for this rabies bioweapon: Berg Katze had no intention of ruling a world filled with humanoid chihuahuas.
He listened to the screams of yet another soldier being dragged into
the holding pit. Yet another idiot who'd tried to pet the nice doggies.
{Nice doggies my ass!} Katze thought, chuckling. They got what they
deserved; he had no sympathy whatsoever. Nor did anyone on the bridge,
being somewhat more intelligent (but only somewhat.)
"Katze-sama! Godu Phoenix da!"
Oh goody, goody gumdrops.. Party time! Katze turned to activate his monitor. He smiled his most ingratiating smile, "Ohayo, Gatchaman! Come to play with my new pet? I'm so glad. I call him Chihuahibachi -- fitting, neh?"
"Berg Katze! You (Chihuahibachi?) This time you have gone too far! You'll never succeed in this (what kind of name is 'Chihuahibachi'?)"
"Ken, shut up, you sound like a moron," Joe muttered.
"Oh I beg to differ," Katze purred, "The UN is already considering my gracious offer to cure their families, for the usual trifles, of course.."
"Trifles?? TRIFLES??"
"Trifle? I love trifle!"
"Ryu, shut up!"
Katze sneered, "Oh well, I'm away to show off my new pet, now. Bye bye." and the call quit. Ken cursed roundly, shaking his fist at the dark screen in a pointless gesture. He whirled and began giving orders, "Jun: Track it. Project its destination and give the coordinates to Ryu."
"Roger!"
"Joe: Start logging the specs of that thing, find its weakness."
"Why don't we just blow it up?"
"Because that's too obvious and it would wreck the plot."
"Shit!"
"Ryu: When Jun gives you the coordinates of Chihuahibachi's destination, get us there yesterday."
"Roger!"
"What about me, aniki?"
"Umm.. I still haven't figured out what exactly it is you do.."
"Bugger."
"Now.. everybody get to work!"
"ROGER!"
Chihuahibachi shivered its destructive way through the helpless country, then swung its head about as the God Phoenix neared. It yapped piercingly, the sound waves buffeting the ship with hurricane force.
"Ryu -- Bring us about! Jun -- Determine the frequency that thing is using and jam it! Joe -- "
"I'm still looking for a way to blow it up."
"Good! Jinpei -- I still haven't thought of anything for you to do."
"Awww..."
The mecha swung about to face them, bringing its great bulging eyes to bear on them. It yapped again, shaking the God Phoenix terribly, then reached up to snap it in its jaws.
"Oh no.."
An eldritch sound filtered through the ship's hull, causing the small hairs on the backs of the team's necks to stand on end. The chihuahua settled back on its haunches, the God Phoenix held between its forepaws like a gigantic chew-toy. A horrible groan filled the air as the hull started to buckle under the onslaught of the jaws.
"Ryu!! Get us out of here!!"
"Dame da! It's got us too good, it won't let go!"
"Tenacious little shits, chihuahuas.."
"Howdee do, Gatchaman!"
"Oh fuck!"
"You appear to be in a bit of a pickle," Katze gloated, "What a shame. I guess you won't be around to see my inauguration, once the world capitulates to my chihuahua rabies virus.. Only I have the cure, you see.."
"Bastard!"
"Tsk tsk, Gatchaman, such language! And in front of women and children, too! Some role model you are.."
Ken purpled, humiliated. He did not turn to see Jun's grudging agreement or Jinpei's grin.
"Ken!" Jun cried suddenly, her hand flying to her lips, "God Phoenix! We're breaking up!"
"Oh no! We'll have to use the Hi No Tori!"
"Not the Hi No Tori!!!" the others chorused.
"Oh goody, shish kebab!" Katze leered.
"Shut up!"
"Temper, temper..!"
"Ken! I've found it! I've found the chihuahua's weakness!"
"Excellent, Joe! What is it?"
"There's a flaw in the turbo jets' exhaust systems. We can flood them out if we subject them to enough seawater -- the iodine in the salt will cause a reaction with in the combustion chamber that will destroy the mecha. The problem is getting the correct volume of water into the exhausts: We'll have to use the Kagaku Ninpo Hosepipe.." Joe broke off, desperate to keep a straight face as Katze ducked off the screen with an odd-sounding snort.
"Good work, Joe! Ryu, ready the hosepipe, prepare to syphon up as much sea water as possible. Jinpei, I've thought of something you can do: Use G-4, get the hosepipe into Chihuahibachi's exhausts and WHAT IS EVERYBODY LAUGHING AT???"
"It hasn't really occurred to you where Chihuahibachi's exhausts are located, has it.." Joe sniggered.
"Aren't they under the tail?"
"Yes."
There was a long silence.
"Think about it, Ken."
There was another long silence.
"He needs one worse."
"Shut up, Katze!" Joe turned his back so the Galactor couldn't see him smirk.
"Needs what?" Ken glared as the hysterical howls of Galactor soldiers assaulted him over the monitor, "And get him off the screen; he'll know what we're planning!" He cut the call abruptly, then glanced up at the cracks appearing in the ceiling. "Jinpei -- MOVE! Get the hosepipe and go to it! Ryu -- see if you can break us free."
"Whaddya think I've been trying to do all along??"
"Right, right, sorry.."
Aboard Chihuahibachi, Berg Katze was bawling out an engineer, "..was NOT in the blueprints I gave you! What the hell's the matter with you, have you got an inferior grade of oatmeal between your ears??"
"But Katze-sama, the modification allows us to save on fuel and I thought.."
"I KNOW my design consumes more fuel: It also lacks that problem in the combustion chamber! That's why I used it, you pathetic amoeba!"
"Oh. Well, I thought.."
"Impossible! You have to have brains to think and that is something you are clearly lacking," he paused to draw his gun.
"I warned him," the junior engineer supplied, clearly for the record, "'Don't go second-guessing Katze-sama', I said, 'Katze-sama knows all the angles, he's thought everything out' I said.."
"Yes, yes, just so," Katze snarled, and taught the senior engineer the error of his ways with a shot through the spinal cord, "Since you're so fond of thinking, Engineer, you can spend the rest of your life at it." He gestured for some soldiers to get the now-quadriplegic man out of his face. Then he turned and Kennedy'd a chihuahua that had managed to attach itself to his cape, "Fucking dogs.."
He was interrupted by a shout. "Katze-sama! The God Phoenix has broken away! They're maneuvering over the sea!"
Katze thought about this for a few minutes, "It's tempting..."
"Katze-sama?"
"It'd make an interesting story back at HQ, neh?" added another soldier. Katze nodded, "And the mecha's really served its purpose, after all.."
"We can save a few of the chihuahuas for them," the second soldier said thoughtfully, "We can let them think they've won, then spring some doggies on them."
Katze turned and regarded the soldier with interest. A Galactor with brains, now isn't that a miracle... and I could survive the rabies... A slow smile spread across Katze's face, "I know exactly how to do it..."
"Katze-sama!" yet another goon interrupted, "The G-4 is approaching with the Kagaku Nympho --"
"Yes? And? Your point is?"
"Well.. shouldn't we take evasive action?"
"Why would we want to do that?" {People unclear on the concept..} There was a hiss as water began to flood down the exhaust pipes. Katze couldn't help snickering.
"Katze-sama?" it was the intelligent goon again, "I'm a member of the SCA and..."
The Kagaku Ninja Tai watched as hundreds of gallons of seawater were pumped into the giant chihuahua mecha. Even Jun was hunched over her console, tears streaming down her face, unable to stop laughing; Ken had finally gotten the joke. Joe struggled to control himself, for the task was delicate, and a mistake could cause the hosepipe to slip out, flooding the town below.
"Alright, the readings are increasing, be ready," Ken warned.
"Roger!"
"Look!" Ryu pointed, "They're escaping! We've done it!"
"Pull out, Joe! Pull out!" Ken cried, his eyes on the jumping readout before him, "It's gonna blow!" For some reason this drew more gales of hysteria. Ryu, his vision obscured by tears of hilarity, somehow succeeded in drawing God Phoenix back to a safe distance.
The sky lit with fireworks as Chihuahibachi exploded.
"Right," Ken whirled, "Joe -- Bird missiles! Shoot that craft out of the air!"
"Alright!!!" Joe leapt to the gun station, sliding back the plexiglass cover.
"What did you say?" Ken asked sternly.
"I said.."
"You're supposed to say 'Roger!' not 'Alright!'"
"Oh for fuck's sake, Ken!"
"They're getting away!" Jun cried, pointing.
"Shit!"
"Hang on, we're catching up, don't get your shorts in a knot," Ryu said. Ken gave him a Look, which Ryu deliberately misinterpreted, "Chihuahibachi damaged us, so we're not as fast as usual."
"BANZAI!" Joe screamed, and slammed his fist onto the firing button. He scored a direct hit on the escape craft (although it looked like it was going to miss then somebody steered into it). The craft wobbled in the air like a wounded blue-footed boobie, then crashed to the ground. "YES!! We've got you now, Berg Katze!"
"Alright, let's get to it! If he escapes, the whole world will go to the dogs!"
The ninjas leapt up, Jun, Jinpei and Joe heading for their individual vehicles, Ken and Ryu ascending to disembark God Phoenix. They raced after the swarm of Galactors, who gathered in a clutch to protect their fleeing leader. Several bursts from the G-2's gun dispersed them.
"Birdrang!" Ken screamed, flinging the device. It caught Katze's shoulder and ricocheted off with a CLANG "Nani??"
Katze cowered where he had fallen. The Ninjas clustered around him. Ken grabbed him by the collar and dragged him to his feet, "You thought you had us beat, didn't you, Katze? Well guess again! Now give us that antidote or we'll.." He was interrupted by a yap.
"Or you'll what?" Katze smiled sweetly. His cape writhed and snarled. Horrified, Ken dropped the Galactor, noticing for the first time that the leader's suit was ripped and the rips showed metal armour underneath. Laughing, Katze leaped out of Ken's grasp, throwing his arms wide -- hundreds, thousands of maddened chihuahuas sprayed out from under his cape and swarmed up the Ninja Team's legs.
"NO!!" Ken screamed, frantically bashing their brains out with his birdrang, "Birdrang! Birdrang! BirdrangBirdrangBirdrangBirdrang..!"
"Ken!! They're nearly at my thighs!" Jun cried, pointlessly batting at the psychotic little dogs.
"Happy Happy Happy!" Katze crowed with delight. His men gathered around him, laughing coarsely. An agonized scream rent the air; the Condor's blood spilled from his ankle to stain the earth, flecked with foam.
"No!"
"Joe!"
"Aniki's gonna turn into a dog!"
"Oh this is too rich!"
"Katze!! You bastard!" Ken, hit by a sudden burst of inspiration, grabbed Katze and flung him into the G-4. He pushed the startled Condor after him, and closed it.
"Ken!! What's the big idea??" Joe shouted through his bracelet, "You yellow bastard shithead, I'll bite your bloody legs off for this!"
"What's the big idea, aniki?? I don't want Joe in there, I'll get cooties!"
"Now shut up and listen, Berg Katze," Ken growled, "Either you hand over that antidote, or you'll be shut in there for the entire seven hours it'll take for Joe to incubate that virus."
A sudden silence descended. Inside G-4, Joe turned around and LEERED. Katze squirmed as far back as possible in the tight confines.
"Think about it, Katze," Joe whispered, the corners of his grin vanishing under his helmet.
Katze was thinking about it. Kondoru no Joe was thought to be a homicidal psychopath anyways. He'd be worse with rabies. Add to that the chihuahua genes he'd spliced into the rabies virus..
"So you're feeling better, Joe?" Ken asked.
"Yes. That antidote worked very fast. Obviously Katze isn't over-fond of chihuahuas."
"It's too bad he got away," Nambu added, "Though you didn't say how."
"Umm," Joe blushed, "I don't know how. He just sorta vanished."
"But that's impossible! What did he do, teleport?"
"Maybe," Joe huffed defensively, "He gave me the vial, said 'Nice doggy', so I foamed at him and he shrieked and all of a sudden he wasn't there anymore."
"That is ridiculous," Nambu asserted, "Teleportation is impossible."
"Well there was that time with the blue fire," Ken speculated.
"And that other time.."
"Well what about..?"
"Bird dang!"
Berg Katse, I grow weary of your failures
"It wasn't my idea.."
"Yap yap!"
If you had listened to my infinitely superior wisdom and done what I had originally asked..
"Remember the ant costume? Don't push it"
"Snarl! Grr!"
Why have you brought those annoying little creatures to my presence?
"Because I can't get them off!"
"Grr!! Yap yap! <shred rip tear>"
<<FRY>>
"Domo.. aregato... Sosai X-sama."
Go away, Berg Katze. Don't do this again